​Cleanses are bullshit. There I said it. I’m not the only nutritionist who thinks this either. Now, pump your fucking brakes.  What I didn’t not just say is, “You can drink all the soda and eat all fast food you want.” You still need eat real God damn food. ​

​Why do people do cleanses? Because people think that they need help cleaning out 'toxins' in their body so they can reach their optimal health. What are the exact toxins we removing from our bodies? Heavy metals, pesticides, and herbicides. Okay. Wouldn’t it be a better long-term goal just to remove the source of toxins in our body? Why is it okay to rationalize starving yourself for a couple of days? You can obtain 'optimal' (that word is teetering on douchie and it’s close to being toss out on its ass) health by just eating real food and working up a sweat. Maybe instead of cleansing you should question the quality of the food you are putting into your body. Seriously people, what the fuck are you cleansing from? Ask yourself that and then fucking remove it from your diet. Boom. Your body can heal itself, trust me. If you feed your body nutrient dense foods you don’t need God damn cleanses.

I’ve been there. I bought the $2000 juicer and only drank juice for days. Which was dumb a move.  My blood sugar would come crashing around mid-day and I was a raging bitch. Feel free to ask Jon and Macole. That’s the problem with juicing. You are removing all the fiber that helps to slowly release sugars in your bloodstream. It also deserves to be repeated again, your body needs protein and fat. Guess what you’re not getting when you cleanse?  You better have said protein and fat.

The health industry has turned into a multi-billion dollar enterprise and its buyer beware. I’ve become more cynical of my industry as I’ve aged. Obviously, if you read this rant. I see all these diets out there and think to myself; that is an unsustainable way of eating. There is a lot of stuff out there that is backed by some science*. We all have a choice. We can buy into the latest and greatest health craze or we can call horseshit. I’m calling horseshit. We only have a short time on this earth and I plan on taking full advantage of that time. For me, it’s about moderation. I'm going to eat my cake and fucking love it! 

And don’t fucking starve yourself.

*Check to see who funded the study and then make an educated decision to believe or not believe the findings. 

Today starts week 4 of being completely dairy-free. Now, you may be wondering why I decided to give up dairy. There’s a long list of reasons, but for brevity this is what you get:  Jon and I we eat way too much of this inflammatory food – like every meal has milk or cheese in it, I’ve had an ELISA/ACT blood test done and I have a sensitivity to milk, dairy has gotten fucking expensive, and I don’t have a God damn gallbladder.  So after years of going back and forth I finally cut the fucking cord.

I was dairy-free when I met Jon years ago. I drank soy lattes and bought Amy’s Vegan frozen pizzas. Once we started dating I didn't pay attention to what we were eating - as long as it was organic, local, or homemade I ate it. Pre-Jon I followed a strict low fat diet, not because I wanted to lose weight – okay I did want to lose 40 lbs, but mainly because I had my gallbladder removed back in 2007. (Big shout out to Nicole and Pat for spending spring break with me in the hospital). After I had my “maraca” removed, yes - the radiation technician compared my gallbladder to a “maraca,” eating dairy and meat put me to sleep. To this day eating a hamburger will send me into a comma. I go to bed at 7:30p not necessarily because I am tired, but because I eat ice cream at night (wicked sweet tooth) and it's super difficult for my body to process the fat because I don’t store as much bile as someone who has a gallbladder. Side note, DON’T HAVE YOUR GALLBLADDER REMOVED! DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO KEEP IT! Also, when you are going into surgery, don’t joke about keeping your gallbladder as a maraca. They don’t take too kindly to that kind of joke.

So here I am, dairy-free...again. The first couple of days, okay week, was pretty hard. Thanks to my dairy-loving husband I fell in love with real cream. I LOVE coffee with real cream. Not half and half, motherfucking whipping cream. Before Jon, I just put soy milk in my coffee. Oh sweet baby Jesus, real cream in your coffee is downright dangerous. I also have to thank Morning Fresh Dairy Farm in Denver for having pint-sized re-usable glass containers full of their delicious cream. For which I would have never started putting cream in my coffee.  Real cream has been the hardest thing to get rid of. I tried soy milk, yuck. Coconut oil, bleh. Coconut manna, don’t do it. I was about to just quit drinking coffee when a friend said to drink it black. He promised I would get used to it. Sure as shit I am used to drinking black coffee. Surprised the fuck out of me.
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Has it been worth it? That's the question of the hour. When I met Jon my periods were 3 days long and I had no cramps. I know, lucky me. My overall mood back then is up for interpretation. My periods overtime have become longer, averaging 6-7 days. I have wicked ass cramps and I am irritable as fuck. My latest period lasted 3 days and I had no cramps. This could be from eliminating dairy or the fact that I was at a yoga training and moving a lot. My gut says dairy because I wasn’t pissy at the yoga training. Trust me when someone says something stupid when I am on my period, I let them know it was stupid. I was very level headed through out the entire training. I was even okay with no room service on Saturday and Sunday - and I was hangry as fuck when I got to the hotel room the last night of training.
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Here’s your chance to skip down cause I’m gonna talk about my poop. My poops used to float. Floating poops usually mean malabsorption of the nutrients in your food, you have gas, or undigested fat in the poop. Floating poops also are a sign that you could be lactose intolerant. My poops were also kinda yellow. Yellow poop indicates a lack of bile. Um, hello no gallbladder! In the past couple of weeks poops are consistently darker and don’t float. They are also taking on the banana shape – like poops are “supposed” to be.

In all honestly, I still think it is too early to tell if eliminating dairy is doing any long-term good. Yes, I am down a couple of pounds, I am wanting to stay up later at night, my last period was lighter, and my poops look like poop. I’ll have to wait and see for a couple of more months.  For now, I am drinking my coffee black and am learning to make dairy-free cashew mozzarella for Saturday night pizza.